4 cups of salty salty water
Elevenses ginger bake
Handful of raspberries
Handfuls of blueberries
2 chocolate poptarts
1 custard cream
2 oreos
Bottle of diet ginger ale
Mushy peas
100g chicken
2 handfuls of broccoli
25ml gravy
Chocolate poptart
Bad day. Very bad day. Living in a huge mess. Saltwater flush didn't work... again. Fuck.
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Missed week
Tuesday *
Breakfast:
2 eggs, scrambled
Two pieces of wholemeal toast
Binge:
Piece of fudge
10 tortilla chips
5 pieces of sushi
Punnet of cherries
2 glasses of pear cider
1 glass of white wine
2 pieces of raisin cinnamon toast with jam
Didn't get up in time for lunch and the day's plan was out of whack. Thinking about the rules I live by concerning food and how ridiculous they are after discussing them in therapy and felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me; like someone had proved my religion was bollocks and not given me anything new to believe. Still, no matter how ridiculous they are, they are 100% ingrained in my mind. I picked at some leftover binge and then tried to make some kind of makeshift meal of sushi, cherries and alcohol (plus toast when drunk). It feels like so many rules to get rid of all at once. "Only eat once a day" was a hard one to crack and I need some time to take each one down a brick at a time.
Wednesday (died hair purple, blue, pink and green and hate it)*
Breakfast:
25g crunchy nut cornflakes
2 handfuls of blueberries
150ml skimmed milk
Lunch:
2 handfuls of baby spinach
3 rashers of back bacon
8 almonds
6 segments of grapefruit
Tea:
Muller corner with cherries
125g steak
can of carrots
Floret of broccoli
Sploosh of gravy
Breakfast was great although a little soggy. Lunch was nice but grapefruit was a bit bitter. Dinner was the bee's knees :) although I had a full fat yoghurt rather than a low fat one and felt guilty. Dyed my hair and it took all night (and I hate it).
Thursday*
Breakfast/lunch/middle of day snacking:
4 pieces of cinnamon toast with jam
Small binge:
3 chocolate fingers
lamb moussaka
potato salad
1/2 bag of kettle chips
2 glasses of pear cider
Up too late for breakfast (2pm) and had toast. Milled around cleaning and thinking about bingeing. I hate my hair. HATE HATE HATE. SO MUCH. I looked in the mirror and just thought "Fuck, I'm too old for this, I look ridiculous". My eyebrows look huge too and plucking is taking all day to get right. I have a horrible heache. Kept dinner under 1500 so the day under 2000 so not too guilty and trying really hard to stop vomiting. Trying not to all out binge because the rules say I'm 'allowed'.
Friday (went crazy/haircut/died hair ginger):
Hate hair
Breakfast/lunch/up too late for either:
2 mini bhajis
2 mini vegetable samosas
Crazy binge:
3/4 bag of nachos
12 Werther's toffees
Half a bar of cadbury caramel
A cheese twist
Mini cinnamon whirl
Mini maple pecan pastry
7 Scampi
8 onion rings
Hate my hair, tried to fix it by dying it my natural light auburn and it went bright orange on one side and faded pink on the other and looks horrendous. My hair is a car wreck. Sam cut my hair and it's really short and obviously newly cut and I just want to scream. I saw a picture of Robin's hair (a half and bad picture in the dark) but it looks way better than this disaster. FUCK. MY stomach is so bloated I look pregnant and Simon asked if I was sticking it out on purpose. I want to die right now, I want nothing more; not recovery, not love, not food, death.
Saturday (dyed hair red)*
Went home to get some stuff in the afternoon
10 almonds
1 banana
2 handfuls of blueberries
120ml glass of skimmed milk
Slice of wholemeal toast
150g can of baked beans
Nectarine
5 pieces cadbury caramel
Werther's toffee
10 after eights
1 tree chocolate
BLT
Cheese twist
10 koala mini chocolate biscuits
Bite of shepherd's pie
Bottle of low calorie ginger ale
Half a garlic bread
Simon has been cleaning out his room and I needed some more stuff now I have space to put it here so I went to get it. Ran into my mum (unplanned) and ended up in a huge fight where I told her how self-centred, hypocritical and insane she is and how I can't stand living with her and I'm trying to move out. I cried, she was a bitch as usual. I took my stuff and seriously freaked out because I had planned to sneak in and avoid the conflict until I had planned how to say it nicely/calmed down. I went straight to Tesco and ate myself into a sugar coma and kept it down because I needed the horrible fullness and guilt to distract me. Redyed my hair and it looked alright(ish) now but still too short. GROW DAMN IT!
Sunday*
6 grapefruit segments
25g strawberry crisp
150ml skimmed milk
4 1/2 pieces of sushi
An apple
Handful of raspberries
Handful of blueberries
Chicken teriyaki noodles
Bottle of Bulmer's pear cider
Hungry but bloated from yesterday so kept in check.
Monday
Drumstick lolly
Few bites of iced finger
Few bites of meat and potato pie
Few bites of chocolate doughnut
2 iced fingers
2 1/2 plates of chinese food
Cherry bakewell
Bowl of mandarin segments
2 glasses of diet coke
Half a fishbowl of exotic passion
Piece of belgian chocolate cake
Sam's birthday so spent the day shopping and nibbling with her. Her huge breasts wouldn't fit properly in any clothes and she cried and I felt so helpless. I spent the time she had to go to college shopping for a dress for he to go out in and found the perfect one which cheered her up no end. I also bought her favourite food (iced fingers). I was feeling pretty good until the college lady rang me and said that there is no way I can just do A2 because the exams have changed so I will have to do AS again then A2 so that's another two years at college, retaking something I already passed with As. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Then the jobcentre called to find out my living situation and whether I had any income and I don't know if you've ever had a woman call you up and say "Just to check that you have no permanent address or income? I just wanted to make sure you were, in fact, a homeless loser. Good, alright, thanks, byeee". So when Sam suggested all you can eat buffet I was like HELL YES and rushed to eat until I physically couldn't push any more down, vomited, pushed more down, vomited, pushed more down, vomited and cried for about twenty minutes. Later got dressed up and went out drinking with Sam for her birthday and the chefs were checking us out which was cool. I thought I knew the way to Wetherspoons but I didn't and was drunk and lost in the snow so luckily we were so drunk it was hilarious. We took a couple of pictures of my new red hair and I look hideous and hate myself. The only good thing that happened today was I bought a tshirt and a dress in size six that fit beautifully which was good news (although the jeans with waist 32" (size 16 equivalent) were snug). My waist is up half an inch which blows :/.
Today*
4 glasses of warm saltwater
Jack daniels and coke
11 chocolate fingers
2 chicken thighs
BLT
3 after eights
3 chocolate pop tarts
Tried the saltwater flush and it didn't work. It tasted like shit and I did everything I was meant to which really pissed me off. Therapy (not another appointment for 2 weeks) was alright but still no new rules. I just took a laxative and will try the SWF again tomorrow in the morning and will FUCKING work. Grrrrrr.
Breakfast:
2 eggs, scrambled
Two pieces of wholemeal toast
Binge:
Piece of fudge
10 tortilla chips
5 pieces of sushi
Punnet of cherries
2 glasses of pear cider
1 glass of white wine
2 pieces of raisin cinnamon toast with jam
Didn't get up in time for lunch and the day's plan was out of whack. Thinking about the rules I live by concerning food and how ridiculous they are after discussing them in therapy and felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me; like someone had proved my religion was bollocks and not given me anything new to believe. Still, no matter how ridiculous they are, they are 100% ingrained in my mind. I picked at some leftover binge and then tried to make some kind of makeshift meal of sushi, cherries and alcohol (plus toast when drunk). It feels like so many rules to get rid of all at once. "Only eat once a day" was a hard one to crack and I need some time to take each one down a brick at a time.
Wednesday (died hair purple, blue, pink and green and hate it)*
Breakfast:
25g crunchy nut cornflakes
2 handfuls of blueberries
150ml skimmed milk
Lunch:
2 handfuls of baby spinach
3 rashers of back bacon
8 almonds
6 segments of grapefruit
Tea:
Muller corner with cherries
125g steak
can of carrots
Floret of broccoli
Sploosh of gravy
Breakfast was great although a little soggy. Lunch was nice but grapefruit was a bit bitter. Dinner was the bee's knees :) although I had a full fat yoghurt rather than a low fat one and felt guilty. Dyed my hair and it took all night (and I hate it).
Thursday*
Breakfast/lunch/middle of day snacking:
4 pieces of cinnamon toast with jam
Small binge:
3 chocolate fingers
lamb moussaka
potato salad
1/2 bag of kettle chips
2 glasses of pear cider
Up too late for breakfast (2pm) and had toast. Milled around cleaning and thinking about bingeing. I hate my hair. HATE HATE HATE. SO MUCH. I looked in the mirror and just thought "Fuck, I'm too old for this, I look ridiculous". My eyebrows look huge too and plucking is taking all day to get right. I have a horrible heache. Kept dinner under 1500 so the day under 2000 so not too guilty and trying really hard to stop vomiting. Trying not to all out binge because the rules say I'm 'allowed'.
Friday (went crazy/haircut/died hair ginger):
Hate hair
Breakfast/lunch/up too late for either:
2 mini bhajis
2 mini vegetable samosas
Crazy binge:
3/4 bag of nachos
12 Werther's toffees
Half a bar of cadbury caramel
A cheese twist
Mini cinnamon whirl
Mini maple pecan pastry
7 Scampi
8 onion rings
Hate my hair, tried to fix it by dying it my natural light auburn and it went bright orange on one side and faded pink on the other and looks horrendous. My hair is a car wreck. Sam cut my hair and it's really short and obviously newly cut and I just want to scream. I saw a picture of Robin's hair (a half and bad picture in the dark) but it looks way better than this disaster. FUCK. MY stomach is so bloated I look pregnant and Simon asked if I was sticking it out on purpose. I want to die right now, I want nothing more; not recovery, not love, not food, death.
Saturday (dyed hair red)*
Went home to get some stuff in the afternoon
10 almonds
1 banana
2 handfuls of blueberries
120ml glass of skimmed milk
Slice of wholemeal toast
150g can of baked beans
Nectarine
5 pieces cadbury caramel
Werther's toffee
10 after eights
1 tree chocolate
BLT
Cheese twist
10 koala mini chocolate biscuits
Bite of shepherd's pie
Bottle of low calorie ginger ale
Half a garlic bread
Simon has been cleaning out his room and I needed some more stuff now I have space to put it here so I went to get it. Ran into my mum (unplanned) and ended up in a huge fight where I told her how self-centred, hypocritical and insane she is and how I can't stand living with her and I'm trying to move out. I cried, she was a bitch as usual. I took my stuff and seriously freaked out because I had planned to sneak in and avoid the conflict until I had planned how to say it nicely/calmed down. I went straight to Tesco and ate myself into a sugar coma and kept it down because I needed the horrible fullness and guilt to distract me. Redyed my hair and it looked alright(ish) now but still too short. GROW DAMN IT!
Sunday*
6 grapefruit segments
25g strawberry crisp
150ml skimmed milk
4 1/2 pieces of sushi
An apple
Handful of raspberries
Handful of blueberries
Chicken teriyaki noodles
Bottle of Bulmer's pear cider
Hungry but bloated from yesterday so kept in check.
Monday
Drumstick lolly
Few bites of iced finger
Few bites of meat and potato pie
Few bites of chocolate doughnut
2 iced fingers
2 1/2 plates of chinese food
Cherry bakewell
Bowl of mandarin segments
2 glasses of diet coke
Half a fishbowl of exotic passion
Piece of belgian chocolate cake
Sam's birthday so spent the day shopping and nibbling with her. Her huge breasts wouldn't fit properly in any clothes and she cried and I felt so helpless. I spent the time she had to go to college shopping for a dress for he to go out in and found the perfect one which cheered her up no end. I also bought her favourite food (iced fingers). I was feeling pretty good until the college lady rang me and said that there is no way I can just do A2 because the exams have changed so I will have to do AS again then A2 so that's another two years at college, retaking something I already passed with As. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Then the jobcentre called to find out my living situation and whether I had any income and I don't know if you've ever had a woman call you up and say "Just to check that you have no permanent address or income? I just wanted to make sure you were, in fact, a homeless loser. Good, alright, thanks, byeee". So when Sam suggested all you can eat buffet I was like HELL YES and rushed to eat until I physically couldn't push any more down, vomited, pushed more down, vomited, pushed more down, vomited and cried for about twenty minutes. Later got dressed up and went out drinking with Sam for her birthday and the chefs were checking us out which was cool. I thought I knew the way to Wetherspoons but I didn't and was drunk and lost in the snow so luckily we were so drunk it was hilarious. We took a couple of pictures of my new red hair and I look hideous and hate myself. The only good thing that happened today was I bought a tshirt and a dress in size six that fit beautifully which was good news (although the jeans with waist 32" (size 16 equivalent) were snug). My waist is up half an inch which blows :/.
Today*
4 glasses of warm saltwater
Jack daniels and coke
11 chocolate fingers
2 chicken thighs
BLT
3 after eights
3 chocolate pop tarts
Tried the saltwater flush and it didn't work. It tasted like shit and I did everything I was meant to which really pissed me off. Therapy (not another appointment for 2 weeks) was alright but still no new rules. I just took a laxative and will try the SWF again tomorrow in the morning and will FUCKING work. Grrrrrr.
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