4 cups of salty salty water

Elevenses ginger bake
Handful of raspberries
Handfuls of blueberries
2 chocolate poptarts
1 custard cream
2 oreos
Bottle of diet ginger ale

Mushy peas
100g chicken
2 handfuls of broccoli
25ml gravy

Chocolate poptart

Bad day. Very bad day. Living in a huge mess. Saltwater flush didn't work... again. Fuck.

Missed week

Tuesday *
Breakfast:
2 eggs, scrambled
Two pieces of wholemeal toast

Binge:
Piece of fudge
10 tortilla chips
5 pieces of sushi
Punnet of cherries
2 glasses of pear cider
1 glass of white wine
2 pieces of raisin cinnamon toast with jam

Didn't get up in time for lunch and the day's plan was out of whack. Thinking about the rules I live by concerning food and how ridiculous they are after discussing them in therapy and felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me; like someone had proved my religion was bollocks and not given me anything new to believe. Still, no matter how ridiculous they are, they are 100% ingrained in my mind. I picked at some leftover binge and then tried to make some kind of makeshift meal of sushi, cherries and alcohol (plus toast when drunk). It feels like so many rules to get rid of all at once. "Only eat once a day" was a hard one to crack and I need some time to take each one down a brick at a time.

Wednesday (died hair purple, blue, pink and green and hate it)*
Breakfast:
25g crunchy nut cornflakes
2 handfuls of blueberries
150ml skimmed milk

Lunch:
2 handfuls of baby spinach
3 rashers of back bacon
8 almonds
6 segments of grapefruit

Tea:
Muller corner with cherries
125g steak
can of carrots
Floret of broccoli
Sploosh of gravy

Breakfast was great although a little soggy. Lunch was nice but grapefruit was a bit bitter. Dinner was the bee's knees :) although I had a full fat yoghurt rather than a low fat one and felt guilty. Dyed my hair and it took all night (and I hate it).

Thursday*
Breakfast/lunch/middle of day snacking:
4 pieces of cinnamon toast with jam

Small binge:
3 chocolate fingers
lamb moussaka
potato salad
1/2 bag of kettle chips
2 glasses of pear cider

Up too late for breakfast (2pm) and had toast. Milled around cleaning and thinking about bingeing. I hate my hair. HATE HATE HATE. SO MUCH. I looked in the mirror and just thought "Fuck, I'm too old for this, I look ridiculous". My eyebrows look huge too and plucking is taking all day to get right. I have a horrible heache. Kept dinner under 1500 so the day under 2000 so not too guilty and trying really hard to stop vomiting. Trying not to all out binge because the rules say I'm 'allowed'.

Friday (went crazy/haircut/died hair ginger):
Hate hair
Breakfast/lunch/up too late for either:
2 mini bhajis
2 mini vegetable samosas

Crazy binge:
3/4 bag of nachos
12 Werther's toffees
Half a bar of cadbury caramel
A cheese twist
Mini cinnamon whirl
Mini maple pecan pastry
7 Scampi
8 onion rings

Hate my hair, tried to fix it by dying it my natural light auburn and it went bright orange on one side and faded pink on the other and looks horrendous. My hair is a car wreck. Sam cut my hair and it's really short and obviously newly cut and I just want to scream. I saw a picture of Robin's hair (a half and bad picture in the dark) but it looks way better than this disaster. FUCK. MY stomach is so bloated I look pregnant and Simon asked if I was sticking it out on purpose. I want to die right now, I want nothing more; not recovery, not love, not food, death.

Saturday (dyed hair red)*
Went home to get some stuff in the afternoon

10 almonds
1 banana
2 handfuls of blueberries
120ml glass of skimmed milk

Slice of wholemeal toast
150g can of baked beans
Nectarine

5 pieces cadbury caramel
Werther's toffee
10 after eights
1 tree chocolate
BLT
Cheese twist
10 koala mini chocolate biscuits
Bite of shepherd's pie
Bottle of low calorie ginger ale
Half a garlic bread

Simon has been cleaning out his room and I needed some more stuff now I have space to put it here so I went to get it. Ran into my mum (unplanned) and ended up in a huge fight where I told her how self-centred, hypocritical and insane she is and how I can't stand living with her and I'm trying to move out. I cried, she was a bitch as usual. I took my stuff and seriously freaked out because I had planned to sneak in and avoid the conflict until I had planned how to say it nicely/calmed down. I went straight to Tesco and ate myself into a sugar coma and kept it down because I needed the horrible fullness and guilt to distract me. Redyed my hair and it looked alright(ish) now but still too short. GROW DAMN IT!

Sunday*

6 grapefruit segments
25g strawberry crisp
150ml skimmed milk

4 1/2 pieces of sushi
An apple
Handful of raspberries
Handful of blueberries

Chicken teriyaki noodles
Bottle of Bulmer's pear cider

Hungry but bloated from yesterday so kept in check.

Monday

Drumstick lolly
Few bites of iced finger
Few bites of meat and potato pie
Few bites of chocolate doughnut
2 iced fingers
2 1/2 plates of chinese food
Cherry bakewell
Bowl of mandarin segments
2 glasses of diet coke
Half a fishbowl of exotic passion
Piece of belgian chocolate cake

Sam's birthday so spent the day shopping and nibbling with her. Her huge breasts wouldn't fit properly in any clothes and she cried and I felt so helpless. I spent the time she had to go to college shopping for a dress for he to go out in and found the perfect one which cheered her up no end. I also bought her favourite food (iced fingers). I was feeling pretty good until the college lady rang me and said that there is no way I can just do A2 because the exams have changed so I will have to do AS again then A2 so that's another two years at college, retaking something I already passed with As. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Then the jobcentre called to find out my living situation and whether I had any income and I don't know if you've ever had a woman call you up and say "Just to check that you have no permanent address or income? I just wanted to make sure you were, in fact, a homeless loser. Good, alright, thanks, byeee". So when Sam suggested all you can eat buffet I was like HELL YES and rushed to eat until I physically couldn't push any more down, vomited, pushed more down, vomited, pushed more down, vomited and cried for about twenty minutes. Later got dressed up and went out drinking with Sam for her birthday and the chefs were checking us out which was cool. I thought I knew the way to Wetherspoons but I didn't and was drunk and lost in the snow so luckily we were so drunk it was hilarious. We took a couple of pictures of my new red hair and I look hideous and hate myself. The only good thing that happened today was I bought a tshirt and a dress in size six that fit beautifully which was good news (although the jeans with waist 32" (size 16 equivalent) were snug). My waist is up half an inch which blows :/.

Today*

4 glasses of warm saltwater

Jack daniels and coke
11 chocolate fingers

2 chicken thighs
BLT
3 after eights
3 chocolate pop tarts

Tried the saltwater flush and it didn't work. It tasted like shit and I did everything I was meant to which really pissed me off. Therapy (not another appointment for 2 weeks) was alright but still no new rules. I just took a laxative and will try the SWF again tomorrow in the morning and will FUCKING work. Grrrrrr.

Period

Yesterday:
Breakfast:
120ml pineapple juice
25g crunchy nut cornflakes
150ml of skimmed milk
Lunch:
5 pieces of sushi
2 nectarines
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
Tea:
Chicken teriyaki stir fry with rice noodles
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
Extra:
Another bowl of stir fry
More cups of tea with skimmed milk

Breakfast and lunch were alright although the sushi was a little hard to stomach. I spent a lot of time watching supersize vs super skinny where it says the skinny people eat about 1000-1300 a day. AS IF! AS IF! Serious doubt right here. I made seven portions of stir fry so I could freeze some because I always end up throwing the extra from the packets away (noodles and vegetables etc) because they come in such big packs. I spent a large part of the night calculating the calories in the diet I'm doing and it's just under a thousand a day which is fine. The day in question, however had only around 800 and since the teriyaki is only 239 per bowl, I ate the portion that wouldn't fit into my fridge and didn't feel too guilty. I also figured that I'd rather eat 239 calories of "acceptable" calories than resist and binge during the night on "unacceptable" calories. I got no sleep until about 11 a.m today after breakfast; partially because of a sharp chest pain that felt like my heart was flipping and twisting something and partially because my bowels were killing me.

Breakfast:
2 handfuls of blackberries
10 almonds
Low fat rhubarb yoghurt
Half a glass of skimmed milk
Half a cup of tea with skimmed milk

I then slept until 5 p.m and when I woke up, it was too late for lunch, too early for dinner and my uterus felt like it was being hit with a brick. Hello Mr. Viscious Period! Chocolate craving shortly followed and as did the binge.

Binge:
Jam doughnut (half of two)
Almond croissant
3 Jammy dodgers
Handful of tortilla chips
2 pieces of Burnt Sugar fudge
Mini Lindt Bunny
Spoonful of 'light' potato salad
7 oven baked onion rings
4 fish fingers
4 glasses of tropical soda

Some more cups of tea with skimmed milk

Major purge. Watched Super Slim Me and currently trying to find The Truth About Size Zero. I have become addicted to these documentaries. In comparison to the subjects in them, my weight doesn't correspond to my size (in inches) which is weird. Bloody discrepancies. Bloody period. Bloody hell.

Binge without purge

Feeling icky.
Breakfast:
50g of porridge oats made into porridge with water
2 handfuls of blueberries
Lunch:
50g of tzatziki
10 carrot batons
20 cucumber sticks
Low fat rhubarb yoghurt
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
Hideous feeling of a huge void in my soul swallowed me and I just didn't want to move at all. I didn't want to eat or sleep or drink or go out or stay in or smoke or fuck or....... anything. I just wanted to die. I don't want my life anymore. I need a fucking lifeboat here. I want to be a normal eighteen year old girl, in her second year of college, out on a Friday night with her friends, on the pull or drunk or something, maybe with a Saturday job in the morning, who fights a little with her dad about the length of her skirt or the dishwasher, who has problems like an essay or a squabble with a friend. I want normal. I'm so tired.
So I had planned a salmon steak with avocado and salad but I couldn't fill the void with that.
I spent about ten minutes shouting 'I need to eat something now, now, now and now, and now, now, now' like a little child. It was just too much. Much much much.
'Tea':
Elevenses ginger bake
Handful of blueberries
Cheese twist
3 pieces of sushi
7 oven baked onion rings dipped in tzatziki
Glass of diet iron bru
3 cups of tea with skimmed milk
And I held off the purge. What the fuck? I didn't think this would happen but I actually held it off. It wasn't too bad and since the rest of the day was according to plan it was almost 'alright'. Simon held me down on the bed though so that might have been a factor in not purging :P. I also made him follow me to the bathroom (since I really needed a piss) so he would know if I did.
Hahaha. It's a weird high to be in control of that. Most of the time I feel so crazy out of control; it's so inevitable to compensate. Somehow I convinced myself not to. I suppose it's not that bad since the day isn't over 2000 by much, if at all.

Binge prevention/delay

Breakfast:
6 grapefruit segments
2 small slices of dry wholemeal toast
Nibble of boiled egg
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
Woke up about 9 and Simon made breakfast, although he undercooked the egg and only a bite or two were edible. I was looking forward to shopping like a little kid; I've been waiting for a long time to spend a little of my wages on dresses in a smaller size and taking some pictures of me and Sam spending some quality time. I pampered myself yesterday and was ready to look the best I can (whatever that may be).
Lunch:
125g jacket potato
75g of tuna in brine
5 chunks of pineapple
5 small red grapes
4 slices of kiwi
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
It was watery and horrible but I ate every bite. The fruit burned my tongue in a weird way. Ick. Pointless meal. Sam text me and said she could only do an hour so no shopping but coffee or fried chicken or something. I'm trying not to drink milk as much and didn't feel like getting herbal tea so I waited for Sam (who was twenty minutes late) and went to Nero but bought nothing. I was planning to go shopping on my own when she had to go but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I went to the young persons' advice centre to find out about incapacity or housing or something until/during college since the pattern of bingeing to relieve the stress of living at home is clear and if I can move out it will help. I feel extremely guilty about it though because my mother is struggling financially and wants me to contribute to the household costs and new costs for keeping me like council tax etc and if I leave she'll have no one to help with the payments. On the other hand, the amount of money she's asking is pretty much the price of living somewhere else and I hate living at home so why pay some huge amount for this horrible stress? The centre helped me claim something or other and put me on the list for supported lodging. Apparently, there's a scheme where students live with members of the public and housing benefit pays the lodging thing. Sounds alright. Hopefully it will work out. By this time, I was feeling pretty shit. Stuck at home, the trip I'd been looking forward to cancelled, seeing Sam for less than an hour, no new clothes and mushrooms for dinner :/. Eurgh. I was dying for a binge. Literally, dying slowly inside. Simon picked me up and we went back to his house. I was itching all over for binge binge binge.
Tea:
2 large mushrooms
2 slices of lowfat cheese
Handful of chopped spring onion
Half a can of ratatouille
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
It tasted like nothing. I hated it. Every mouthful was bland and unfulfilling. I needed something to stuff my face with. I needed to throw it up. I needed it so badly. I went home and immediately the craving got about 40 times worse. It turned midnight and I just knew immediately I was going to binge the day away. I held it off by persuading myself I could go to Chinese All You Can Eat Buffet for lunch. I tossed and turned for five hours of absolute torture but fuck, was I proud of myself :P.
Breakfast:
2 handfuls of blueberries
1 greenish banana
Half a glass of skimmed milk
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
Lunch:
2 plates of chinese food (2 rostis, 3 pieces of fried chicken, forkful of rice, forkful of noodles, 3 pieces of beef; satay, stirfried, 6 pieces of chicken; kung po, sweet and sour, satay, spring roll, piece of cantonese pork, piece of szechuan pork, forkful of ham foo yung, piece of baby sweetcorn)
Cherry bakewell
Bite of jam tart
2 glasses of diet coke
Purge in the bathroom of the chinese.
After eating it all, I was fit to burst but hesitating from purging just imagining my counsellor's face when she saw I'd been sick. I felt strong enough to hold it off; almost. While I was trying to dissuade myself, Simon said something that pushed me over the edge. He didn't say it on purpose, so he says, but it hurt enough to break my resolve. I think someone came in and heard and left and coming back out of the bathroom I felt watched. I felt like whoever it was just knew. Like they'd seen my soul. Anyway, got back to my house and started tidying my room which is a bombsite. Just being in my room at the moment is like a metaphor for my head, there is shite everywhere and I feel dirty just sitting on the bed. Plus there is hidden vomit in a bucket under the bed. The hidden vomit... eep. Simon went out with a female friend alone to the cinema.... eep. I tried to clean my room and it was so slow and depressing I ended up looking in the mirror every few minutes and hating every second. I look huge. My bottom half is so wide; my thighs and arse and stomach. Fuck, I thought I was thinner but I look the same. 26 inch exactly around the middle. My weighing scales tell me I am either 8 stone 8 or 9 stone 4/5. So fuck knows, I'd like to believe the lower but I suspect it's the higher. Simon came back and we went to buy tomorrow's food (back on the diet) and binge food. I put the binge food in the trolley and I had an uncertain ten minutes loitering by the counter wondering whether to put it back or not which is amazing progress where usually I would be rushing to the counter and rushing home without a second thought. I just felt like it wasn't enough though, even though I have come far with this being the second week. Anyway,
Binge:
Plate of onion rings
Spoonful of tzatziki
Half a bowl of spaghetti shapes and sausages (half because it was horrible)
3 cinnamon raisin biscuits
200ml chocolate fudge brownie ice cream
Two glasses of diet iron bru
Purge.
All the ice cream came back up. I love ice cream for purging, I wish I liked it more :P. I watched some teen movie and spent between 12 and 5 am tidying my bedroom. It is now tidied, but more than that, I have thrown away my high school yearbook, all the birthday cards and postcards and notes I've saved from old friends. Finally. It feels weird. I threw away the picture of me and my old boyfriend from my mantle and got rid of my full length mirror. Later today, I will sort out my clothes and take the unwanted/outgrown/undergrown to the charity shop. I had a cigarette in my newly tidy room because my mum is with her boyfriend this weekend and won't be here to tell me off for it. I'm going to watch the rest of twelve angry men and then get some shut eye. Roll on tomorrow.

Missed a day and didn't notice

Yesterday was therapy day and I got up just in time to make it there. She went through my eating plan and wasn't disappointed like I thought she would be which was nice. I asked her about the 7 day diet and she said as long as I have a balanced breakfast, lunch and tea, it's fine so I am doing that now. With added cups of tea with skimmed milk. We then talked about the "why I ate what I ate" section, where it was clear to see that I binged as soon as I got home until I left again. Blindingly obvious and I still didn't see it until she pointed it out. We talked about my mum for a while and somehow got onto the subject of my dad. I then told her all about him and cried for the rest of the session. Blah. She said I shouldn't weigh myself at all but we settled on once every three days for now.
By the time I got home, it was at least 4.30 and I had missed lunch, plus the fact that I planned to start the 7-day diet the day after so fuck it, right? I had also spent most of the appointment crying and needed to bury the feelings again. A pack of salt and vinegar snack-a-jacks, a double decker bar and a small sloppy guisseppe pizza which I bought to share with Simon who promptly fell asleep while I devoured it. Later, after also falling asleep and awakening again, we went to get the food for the morning (specific 7-day plan food) and since it wasn't quite midnight, I had a bite of quiche lorraine and a southern fried chicken wrap. Washed down with flavoured water, I fended off the purge by insisting that we went straight away to Simon's in the car (40 minutes at least).
So far today, I've been on a pamper mission. I've shaved my legs and painted my nails and dyed my roots and soon will be straightening my hair and putting all my earrings back in. I've been watching Starship Troopers, Jekyll and Jonathan Creek... oh and the finale of Buffy. Tomorrow is the raincheck for the shopping trip and I want to look my best for the pictures. Even though Nick has deleted me so who am I showing how good I look? No pictures of Robin's hair yet but she said in a comment it's really short now. Giggle.
I'm thinking of dying my hair red and blue, but I might leave some of it white. Red, white and blue for the patriotic win? I'll decide tomorrow.
Quick food note:
17g of Cornflakes
3 handfuls of blackberries
150ml skimmed milk
Two handfuls baby spinach leaves
6 grapefruit segments
8 almonds
3 rashers of bacon
Sirloin steak with garlic and chilli
Can of salted carrots
Fat free rhubarb yoghurt
4 cups of tea (at a guesstimate since I don't limit)

Satisfying enough to prevent a binge and meticulous enough for my OCDed nature. Hungry though. 7lbs in as many days? We'll see.

The Day Of Irrational Anger

Couldn't sleep... again. Finally caught a day nap and woke up in time to catch lunch. I put out a can of tuna, a handful of cucumber and 4 mushrooms and 4 radishes and ate about half. I had no lettuce or tomatoes left in the whole house :/. I didn't put any salt on it because I'm trying not to bloat any more before shopping tomorrow. Each day I look fatter even though I'm losing weight. Eurgh. I could only stomach half of it before I let my dog eat the rest of the tuna and threw out the leftover vegetables. It tasted of nothing, was gritty in texture and I could hardly be bothered to chew it I was so disinterested in eating. I ate because it's in my 'plan'. I fought with Simon and flew off the handle over not very much at all. Went shopping to buy noodles for dinner and hair dye and came back to find my mother had used up all the other ingredients while I was gone. Off the handle again and calming down in bed. Cooked the food after Simon went back to the shop to rebuy the ingredients.
Sam called me and said she's feeling too bloated and has not lost enough weight to want to go shopping tomorrow (in celebration of finally getting paid). Thank fuck. Not that I didn't want to go. I really did, but I have felt so angry all day that I am dying for a b/p. Ate the teriyaki stir fry and then four cookies and a finger of a Drifter chocolate bar. Some diet lemonade and we have a purge. Lovely :/
I looked through my "handy jotter" in which I had to write my food for the week day by day. I've vomited 4 out of 7 days. Oh dear. 4 out of 8 if you count the day I got it but didn't write in. I really don't want to see the look on Sue's face tomorrow when I show her my 'progess'. I suppose it is a long way to come in one week from vomiting daily to once every other day. I have tried. Hard. I hope she can see that. I'm so disappointed in myself. I really thought I would do better. I'm going to show Sue the '7lbs in 7 days' diet and see what she thinks. Probably won't approve. I can try. Bollocks.
I have another stone at least to lose and I want it gone now. At UK size 8-10 and 9 st 6 and 5"4, I'm not overweight but I look it whenever I look in the mirror/window/patio door. I'm on the reasonably thin side of normal. I'm not sick thin but there are hints of rib and hip bone and spine and chest bones. I'm not sure why it's still not enough.