Binge without purge

Feeling icky.
Breakfast:
50g of porridge oats made into porridge with water
2 handfuls of blueberries
Lunch:
50g of tzatziki
10 carrot batons
20 cucumber sticks
Low fat rhubarb yoghurt
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
Hideous feeling of a huge void in my soul swallowed me and I just didn't want to move at all. I didn't want to eat or sleep or drink or go out or stay in or smoke or fuck or....... anything. I just wanted to die. I don't want my life anymore. I need a fucking lifeboat here. I want to be a normal eighteen year old girl, in her second year of college, out on a Friday night with her friends, on the pull or drunk or something, maybe with a Saturday job in the morning, who fights a little with her dad about the length of her skirt or the dishwasher, who has problems like an essay or a squabble with a friend. I want normal. I'm so tired.
So I had planned a salmon steak with avocado and salad but I couldn't fill the void with that.
I spent about ten minutes shouting 'I need to eat something now, now, now and now, and now, now, now' like a little child. It was just too much. Much much much.
'Tea':
Elevenses ginger bake
Handful of blueberries
Cheese twist
3 pieces of sushi
7 oven baked onion rings dipped in tzatziki
Glass of diet iron bru
3 cups of tea with skimmed milk
And I held off the purge. What the fuck? I didn't think this would happen but I actually held it off. It wasn't too bad and since the rest of the day was according to plan it was almost 'alright'. Simon held me down on the bed though so that might have been a factor in not purging :P. I also made him follow me to the bathroom (since I really needed a piss) so he would know if I did.
Hahaha. It's a weird high to be in control of that. Most of the time I feel so crazy out of control; it's so inevitable to compensate. Somehow I convinced myself not to. I suppose it's not that bad since the day isn't over 2000 by much, if at all.