Binge prevention/delay

Breakfast:
6 grapefruit segments
2 small slices of dry wholemeal toast
Nibble of boiled egg
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
Woke up about 9 and Simon made breakfast, although he undercooked the egg and only a bite or two were edible. I was looking forward to shopping like a little kid; I've been waiting for a long time to spend a little of my wages on dresses in a smaller size and taking some pictures of me and Sam spending some quality time. I pampered myself yesterday and was ready to look the best I can (whatever that may be).
Lunch:
125g jacket potato
75g of tuna in brine
5 chunks of pineapple
5 small red grapes
4 slices of kiwi
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
It was watery and horrible but I ate every bite. The fruit burned my tongue in a weird way. Ick. Pointless meal. Sam text me and said she could only do an hour so no shopping but coffee or fried chicken or something. I'm trying not to drink milk as much and didn't feel like getting herbal tea so I waited for Sam (who was twenty minutes late) and went to Nero but bought nothing. I was planning to go shopping on my own when she had to go but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I went to the young persons' advice centre to find out about incapacity or housing or something until/during college since the pattern of bingeing to relieve the stress of living at home is clear and if I can move out it will help. I feel extremely guilty about it though because my mother is struggling financially and wants me to contribute to the household costs and new costs for keeping me like council tax etc and if I leave she'll have no one to help with the payments. On the other hand, the amount of money she's asking is pretty much the price of living somewhere else and I hate living at home so why pay some huge amount for this horrible stress? The centre helped me claim something or other and put me on the list for supported lodging. Apparently, there's a scheme where students live with members of the public and housing benefit pays the lodging thing. Sounds alright. Hopefully it will work out. By this time, I was feeling pretty shit. Stuck at home, the trip I'd been looking forward to cancelled, seeing Sam for less than an hour, no new clothes and mushrooms for dinner :/. Eurgh. I was dying for a binge. Literally, dying slowly inside. Simon picked me up and we went back to his house. I was itching all over for binge binge binge.
Tea:
2 large mushrooms
2 slices of lowfat cheese
Handful of chopped spring onion
Half a can of ratatouille
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
It tasted like nothing. I hated it. Every mouthful was bland and unfulfilling. I needed something to stuff my face with. I needed to throw it up. I needed it so badly. I went home and immediately the craving got about 40 times worse. It turned midnight and I just knew immediately I was going to binge the day away. I held it off by persuading myself I could go to Chinese All You Can Eat Buffet for lunch. I tossed and turned for five hours of absolute torture but fuck, was I proud of myself :P.
Breakfast:
2 handfuls of blueberries
1 greenish banana
Half a glass of skimmed milk
Cup of tea with skimmed milk
Lunch:
2 plates of chinese food (2 rostis, 3 pieces of fried chicken, forkful of rice, forkful of noodles, 3 pieces of beef; satay, stirfried, 6 pieces of chicken; kung po, sweet and sour, satay, spring roll, piece of cantonese pork, piece of szechuan pork, forkful of ham foo yung, piece of baby sweetcorn)
Cherry bakewell
Bite of jam tart
2 glasses of diet coke
Purge in the bathroom of the chinese.
After eating it all, I was fit to burst but hesitating from purging just imagining my counsellor's face when she saw I'd been sick. I felt strong enough to hold it off; almost. While I was trying to dissuade myself, Simon said something that pushed me over the edge. He didn't say it on purpose, so he says, but it hurt enough to break my resolve. I think someone came in and heard and left and coming back out of the bathroom I felt watched. I felt like whoever it was just knew. Like they'd seen my soul. Anyway, got back to my house and started tidying my room which is a bombsite. Just being in my room at the moment is like a metaphor for my head, there is shite everywhere and I feel dirty just sitting on the bed. Plus there is hidden vomit in a bucket under the bed. The hidden vomit... eep. Simon went out with a female friend alone to the cinema.... eep. I tried to clean my room and it was so slow and depressing I ended up looking in the mirror every few minutes and hating every second. I look huge. My bottom half is so wide; my thighs and arse and stomach. Fuck, I thought I was thinner but I look the same. 26 inch exactly around the middle. My weighing scales tell me I am either 8 stone 8 or 9 stone 4/5. So fuck knows, I'd like to believe the lower but I suspect it's the higher. Simon came back and we went to buy tomorrow's food (back on the diet) and binge food. I put the binge food in the trolley and I had an uncertain ten minutes loitering by the counter wondering whether to put it back or not which is amazing progress where usually I would be rushing to the counter and rushing home without a second thought. I just felt like it wasn't enough though, even though I have come far with this being the second week. Anyway,
Binge:
Plate of onion rings
Spoonful of tzatziki
Half a bowl of spaghetti shapes and sausages (half because it was horrible)
3 cinnamon raisin biscuits
200ml chocolate fudge brownie ice cream
Two glasses of diet iron bru
Purge.
All the ice cream came back up. I love ice cream for purging, I wish I liked it more :P. I watched some teen movie and spent between 12 and 5 am tidying my bedroom. It is now tidied, but more than that, I have thrown away my high school yearbook, all the birthday cards and postcards and notes I've saved from old friends. Finally. It feels weird. I threw away the picture of me and my old boyfriend from my mantle and got rid of my full length mirror. Later today, I will sort out my clothes and take the unwanted/outgrown/undergrown to the charity shop. I had a cigarette in my newly tidy room because my mum is with her boyfriend this weekend and won't be here to tell me off for it. I'm going to watch the rest of twelve angry men and then get some shut eye. Roll on tomorrow.